I got an email with the subject line “10 signs your boss hates you”
and I thought if I were a boss I’d forward it to my direct reports
as a joke, LOL, and they’d probably think I was crazy
but it wouldn’t matter, cause I’d be their boss and they’d have to
be nice to me anyway. Last night I remembered a bag of Reese’s
Peanut Butter Cups in my cabinet, and when I saw them I said
“game changer” out loud. Who am I? I saw a grown man
slide down the railing to the subway this morning and I asked,
“where are we?” I said, “you look like a teddy bear” out loud,
on the street, to a dog and its owner. I scream at all of the babies,
all of the time. When Jon Shina called Linens ‘n Things
“Linens ’n Shit” we were outside Van Meter, standing under
a rainbow. This was way before I worked at _________ but after
9/11, before the secret Sonic Youth show at the Flywheel.
Way after I learned to put my hair in a ponytail but
just before the war, around the time when I smoked pot with
Ant and said, “aren’t dogs weird?” on the bench outside Greenough.
In the workplace, you can say “hey” sometimes. You don’t have to
always say “hi” or “hello.” When you’re fighting with your
sisters you have to just ride it out. Like a wave I guess, or pile of snow.
In the bathroom, I heard someone talking about their wedding
invitations, and they used the term “fallout rate.”
I used to work with a girl who said, “God forbid” about
everything. And I once got a company-wide email asking us
to back up our work just in case we’re ever hit by a bus.
When I put my hair in a bun it just looks like a “ghetto”
version of ______’s, but I don’t use that word in that way.
I also don’t use “beater” to talk about tank tops, and I try
not to say, “fight signs of aging” but sometimes I have to.
My coworker sneezed and I said “bless you,” in the sweet
voice of a guardian angel with wispy blonde hair.
You guys, my nails are so shitty right now that I can’t even look at them.
I just stare ahead at the sun and pretend they’re not even there.